Thanks for the Jael story… Love yall so much.
past
a journey through married life → not as easy as it may seem →
but more rewarding than we ever thought
ricky (who encourages the sharing of this story) & i have gone through some trials since we tied the knot in ‘97 ~ financial distress, dealing with (il)legal stuff, & emotional affairs, but in the fall of ‘03, the deepest pain shot us nearly tearing us apart forever: an entangled (sexual & emotional) affair. we’ve, only by God’s protection & grace, recovered from it, & we’re growing in Him more & more, as a family. our life now is one truly blessed. below is a summary…a glimpse into that 6-7 wk.-long chapter in our marriage:
WEEK 1: ricky had become friendly w/a girl who worked where he went tanning. she had a boyfriend, but flirted with my husband, more & more over the course of two months…knowing he was married. well, he fell for the flattery. he’s told me countless times it had nothing to do with me. he didn’t realize who he was, inside. his worth had decreased to a tan & a series of compliments. the two were infatuated, high on the adrenaline of secret rendezvous, & labeling it love.
once entangled in a double life, according to a favorite author & pastor, jon courson, someone who has been raised in church, who knows & believes the truth of the Word of God…well, that person is the most tormented of all. he’s tasted the fruit of the Spirit. he’s experienced the depth of His love. therefore, his spirit is drawn toward the love of God, yet guilt-drenched & torn w/a contradicting pull toward a wrong lifestyle.
WEEK 2: my husband could not handle it any longer. he confessed to me in a letter. but even though we met regularly for support & wisdom from our pastors at Grace Community Church (now Horizon), the affair continued on.
i remember anxiety shaking my hands and turning my stomach. i remember holding ea.other as we cried. i remember laying side by side in the same bed at night. and that one time i asked to borrow his cell phone - how it became a drawn-out argument. it ended w/him voluntarily throwing it against the wall & we watched it break into pieces, all so i wouldn’t see the evidence. i remember never knowing what to believe. i remember struggling to love & pray for “her”.
WEEK 3: I hated her. but there were days i loved her. strength & inspiration came from the Bible where i kept reading psalms (to trust God) & romans (12:18-21), to be like Christ toward her (like he was to the woman at the well, “neither do i accuse you. go, and sin no more”). but i just didn’t know what to do.
WEEK 4: an especially difficult punch ~ the news of her pregnancy. true or not, she’d try to use it to her advantage, deceiving him even more w/the lie he almost believed: ’split homes turn out fine with visits…they happen all the time! we can move to california where my dad lives. he can support us, & we’ll start a new family’.
WEEK 5: how could i show love to her, without wanting to see what she looked like? i had this crazy thought that wouldn’t go away, to send flowers. i figured it had to come from God, so as weird as it seemed, i left them at her workplace w/a note (about this God i love & who loves her), but i didn’t want to leave out how strong my loyalty was to my husband; how determined i was to keep our family together, at any cost!
WEEK 6: ricky’s mom would cry with me over the phone. it’d become a weekly thing. but she was a huge help from the get-go, carrying me through this, telling me that God had spoken to her a promise that we’d make it through, victoriously. it seemed nutz! but that “promise” (along with over 30 people praying … yes, i listed them out in my journal) i held on to, tight. they gave me just enough hope.
WEEK 7: october 18th 2003, i was bargaining w/God about separating. at 7:30am i had just buckled braylon into his car seat to go & look for the two of them & shake things up. it was on. i ran back in the house to grab my drink & rec’d a call from the E.R.
it was like God had reached down a celestial finger through the clouds & literally thumped him off his motorcycle! there was no known cause (according to the police report & eye witnesses).
in hinds sight, i know it happened for lots of reasons: a reality-check, a chance to realign priorities, a way to free ricky from his sleep-depriving graveyard shift job, a chance for him to stop using ‘uppers’ every day, it created more distance between this girl & him (it had been 4 days of no contact, yeah!), & it drew us much closer as he recovered from a severe concussion in the hospital.
WEEK 8: we ‘just so happened to be’ invited to move 280 miles away from all this, by his mom & step-dad (janis & bob piland). they had a union job-transfer & we could live right by them. ricky fully recovered in 1 week, when they told him it’d take 6. we prayed about moving, we packed we did it. why so fast? a.) distance from temptation meant less pressure & a step toward freedom…& b.) we don’t believe in coincidence.
the nightmares & trust issues lasted a while longer (i.e.: in nov., he drove back up on a whim to find out about the baby, & discovered that she’d had an abortion & wanted nothing to do with him). ties were being cut. boundaries (i.e.: coffee house drive-thru’s, gyms, & such) & accountability were instrumental. and you know what? overall restoration came within 1 year…intimacy within 2.
i needed to choose to forgive, & rick needed to choose to accept Christ’s forgiveness - his sacrifice on the cross & his unconditional love, in order to move on. with the wisdom & ‘moment’s notice’ availability of friend/pastor, john fairrington (someone else God strategically placed in medford, oregon, our town of refuge!), ricky took steps toward freedom. he walked out of the shackles of addiction which were rooted in deception, & into forgiveness & truth. God revealed to me that i was co-dependant & to always remember Who my Rock is…Who will never disappoint me…and to place 100% trust in Him, NO MATTER WHAT. he’s still teaching me this!
we’ve never been so grateful, w/hearts so satisfied, as we are at our 11-yr. anniversary. through this, we have learned so, so much about each other’s needs, God’s grace, & boundaries in marriage. we’ve experienced first hand marriage redemption & want to tell anyone who wants to know, that no marriage difficulty is impossible for God to redeem.
The love of Christ both wounds and heals, it fascinates and frightens, it kills and makes alive, it draws and repulses. There can be nothing more terrible or wonderful than to be stricken with love for Christ so deeply that the whole being goes out in a pained adoration of His person, an adoration that disturbs and disconcerts while it purges and satisfies and relaxes the deep inner heart. - A.W. Tozer
if anyone reading this wishes to contact me personally about this season in our lives or has further questions, please email me: keeponprayin@gmail.com
Responses
By: Deenie on May 3, 2008
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Wow - God is so good. John and I have so loved watching your lives unfold. Meeting Bob & Janis and developing a relationship with them - then having you & Ricky move down here and getting to know both of you - have been such a blessing in our lives. We love you guys and think of you and pray for you often. God is only going to continue to do good things in you and for you - and we look forward to seeing you again!
By: Jaci on May 7, 2008
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Chelan - bless your heart for sharing your difficult, yet triumphant journey with us. It touched my heart almost to tears to know that I share a similar trial. It encourages me to know that there is hope.
By: Tamara on May 31, 2008
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thanks, tam. your sit’n is a perfect example of why we share our story w/others. i know God put us in each others’ path. He will do a miracle for you as well. ~ your sis in Christ
By: chelaners on June 12, 2008
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You’re candid; you’re honest; you’re broken; you’re admirable; you’re a Christian.
By: Jon Gardiner on July 5, 2008
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